25. October 2005 · Comments Off · Categories: imported, Ramble

I thought that my whine session would be the end of it. But I should have known better.

I couldn’t sleep last night. On my drive to school today (why do I always type “toady”?) I couldn’t stop the brain.

I’m a “bad dweller” I guess. I dwell on the bad stuff. It seems that there are two types of musicians; there are the “bad dwellers” and the “grand dwellers”. The former always think only on the negative and worry a lot. We worry that we aren’t as good as we think we are, and that someday the general public is going to find out we’ve pulled the wool over their eyes all these years. We worry that we’ve played our swan song before we were even discovered to be swans. We worry that the end has occurred and we somehow missed knowing. The “grand dwellers” think—no, they know—they are good musicians and that any group is lucky to have them. They never worry about “then end” because they don’t believe that will ever happen. If they don’t get a job they know it was due to someone else’s sly doings or, perhaps, that their greatness makes everyone else feel threatened so they weren’t hired merely due to the weakness of others’ playing.

Yeah, I know … there’s an “in between” in there as well. That’s where I desire to live. And most of the time I do. Honest.

But, for today at least, I’m living in doubtland.

Better than than grandland, if you ask me. Either land is unhealthy, but I’d rather be on my side of the land than that other side.

Just my (sick? twisted? oboistic?) side of the country!

(And now may this pattyramble take away the voices that are screaming at me from inside my thick skull.)
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