Dear Joni,

May I call you that? I’ve listened to you for what seems like forever so I feel as if I know you, even while knowing I actually don’t.

Hmmm. Okay. Let me start over:

Dear Ms. Mitchell,

(Oh that’s funny too, since I’m a Mitchell as well. Born in November, too. How ’bout that?)

Anyway, I’m sorry I have to write this. Because I never thought I would. Not to you, anyway.

I’ve always enjoyed your music. I like the older stuff. I like the newer stuff. You write great lyrics. Your music is great. Really.

But, well, I just listened to Shine and … oh how do I say this? … are you really using a “fake” English horn?!

I mean, I know you probably aren’t as rich as, say, Pavarotti was. But really, I think hiring an English hornist would have been well worth the expense. Honest and true. Because what I hear on the first track doesn’t sound honest and true at all.

Maybe I’m hearing wrong. Maybe you didn’t intend to use some sort of fake EH sound at all. But that’s how it sounds to this old ear. Um. Actually two ears.

Now listen, if you really intended it to be an English horn, next time just know that I’ll gladly play. Even for free. I’m pretty good. Musical. Expressive. All that jazz. And I use real reeds and a real English horn, not a synth. So you’d get the real thing. Heck, I might even fly myself to wherever you record, using my own money. And I’m definitely not rich. Not even close. Well, in a California way. (I’m rich compared to the majority of the world, of course.) I’m willing to do this for you. Because I really do like your music.

Okay? Just keep me in mind.

Your friend,
Patty

PS If that WAS a real English horn then we have a different problem. A big “Oh dear!” problem. And if you didn’t mean for it to sound like EH at all, well, what can I say? I think it is trying to sound like it. That’s all.