I have been going through (yet another) season of doubt. I tend to either be full of self-doubt or self-loathing.

Yeah, it’s all about me. All the time.

Anyway, I was feeling rather poorly about what I was doing on EH last night and worried about it today. During the break at rehearsal tonight our conductor for this set, Paul Polivnick, and a fellow musician who was out in the hall for the Amram (which he doesn’t play), both complimented me on my playing.

I have to admit that insecure little old me really needed that. It’s so helpful to get feedback. And of course kind and positive words are so encouraging.

Some conductors don’t realize we need to know if they are happy with us. They seem ready to let us know if they are unhappy, and I’m well aware that that correction is a part of their job. I’m okay with correction. But silence … well … it isn’t golden sometimes. If I’m doing something correctly, I’m extremely grateful to hear about it. Maybe it’s just me being self-centered, but there you go.

Of course now that I’ve been complimented I’ll worry like crazy that I’ll now disappoint those two people terribly the next time they hear me play, and they’ll puzzle over why they bothered to compliment me.

Yes, it’s true: you really can’t win with me. Go figure.

2 Comments

  1. your thought process reminds me very much of my own!

  2. I’m not sure if we are drawn to the oboe because we are crazy or if we are crazy because we are drawn to the oboe. But there you go.