When I wrote before about my final symphony concerts I said I might write more later.
I guess later has arrived.
Here’e the thing: I have a crazy brain. My husband suggests it’s a “lose-lose” thing with me. He’s probably right!
During the week some people complimented me. Ack! Danger danger … I get so nervous then. I fear that I will then go downhill and disappoint them and they won’t be able to look me in the eye. The conductor was so very gracious he complimented me and even said, “I love you!” (in that friendly, “you are doing well” way, not in the genuine “love” way, of course). THAT, too, terrified me! How could I do anything but disappoint him now?!
Then there are the others. The majority of people who say nothing. My brain starts saying they are not saying a word because I am just too embarrassing, I’m so awful.
See what I mean? LOSE-LOSE for sure!
Oh … and the person who asked, “So are those solos hard?”
I mull that one over and over. “Does he mean they are sounding really hard?” I wonder. “Is he trying to give me an excuse for poor playing?”
That being said (written)…
I still have a feeling the concerts went well. People have been kind, in any case. BUT (yep, the CrazyPattyBrain© never stops) as we get further and further away from those concerts I start to think I probably wasn’t as good as I hoped.
And that’s it, folks. Me. In a NUTSHELL!
I’ve learned to accept the negative voices, and then shove them out of the brain. They continue to try and make appearances, but I know I just have to ignore them. I’ve been doing this since 1975, after all. I’ve learned a wee bit. Maybe.
Now I have a summer off (aside from the 4th of July concerts) to ponder that concert and start thinking about next year.
Meanwhile … let there be music …(and a lot of ellipses) …
Not related at all to the above, but just because I like it:
Stellenbosch University Chamber Choir under the leadership of Martin Berger (unfortunately we aren’t given the name of the clarinetist)