After finishing the two rehearsals for Bach’s St. John Passion I was feeling quite ready to do the performance last night. I love the duet for two oboes in it, and playing that with Ryan Zwahlen was working really well. We seem to be a good match!

About three or maybe four hours before the performance was to begin I was suddenly very ill. Ill enough to know that it would be more than unwise to attempt to play. I quickly texted Ryan and he, wonder person that he is, found a sub in record time.

Taking something off like that is so very difficult for me. I was, literally, in tears. I hate bagging work. It’s not about the money, although of course we don’t get paid if we don’t work. It’s about making the music. It’s about letting an entire orchestra (and in this case choir) along with the conductor down. It’s about thinking I somehow caused myself to get ill. It’s me feeling like a total failure.

My head tells me this is a bunch of bunk. My heart still hurts.

But I stayed home, and I know it was the wise choice. No one wants the principal oboist throwing up on stage, or runny off stage if she has time. Right?

Oh but I so wanted to play that work.

Sigh.