22. September 2006 · Comments Off on Fighting The Voices · Categories: imported, Ramble

I read quite a few blogs, and many of them can be found to the left of this little post. Some I find amusing. Some incredilby informative. Some beautifully written. Some drive me nuts (if it’s possible to drive a person who is as nutty as I am nuts. Hmmm.). And some just puzzle me.

And no, I’m not going to point out which blogs (and bloggers) do which!

Right now I’m going through my little “what am I doing in this biz?” phase. This tends to happen after a period of confidence. Yes, I did have a period of confidence. I think it was about two weeks long, actually. (When I speak of “periods of confidence” I’m referring to performance, not to teaching. I am confident in my teaching skills. Whew!) So now I’m at the other end of things. So when I read blogs that are mostly about how great the blogger is (and usually include how messed up most other folks are) I just get sort of puzzled.

I suppose not all musicians have this tendency to question their abilities. There’s just this part of me that thinks one day someone will be honest with me and say, “You know, you’ve never been good at the oboe!” It’s as if I’ll finally be caught.

And of course I know this is a Little PattyOboe Lie™—I’m not God’s gift to oboe, but I’m also not horrible.

Except that a part of me thinks I am.

And then there are those moments when I have delusions of grandeur. Those are kind of nice for a very brief time, but a fall will always follow.

Anyone else struggle with this?

I write this honestly, even while knowing my students read these posts. I think students can benefit knowing that we hardened criminals professionals deal with feelings of doubt and incompetency just like the rest ‘o the world. Or at least this professional does.

It’s a battle. One I’m willing to fight even at this somewhat ancient age. (Students eyes often bug out when I pull out a piece of music I worked on in 1973; it’s clear they realize I’m near death and they aren’t quite sure what to make of that!)

Life. So much of it is about coping and balance and fighting those loud negative voices and all that jazz. I think.

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