So, I said I was going to write about ego, competition, jealousy … all the fun stuff that comes with this biz. So I guess I’ll give this a go tonight. But let me warn you; I’m still feeling spaced out due to my very low iron, my brain is a bit muddled, and I’m probably not going to get this clearly down in one fell swoop.

Still, it’s great fun to write “one fell swoop” AND I’ll get to at least begin my thoughts about all of this. But do be warned: this is all about me and my fears, foibles and fickle behavior. It’s not about the music world in general. (But if you can relate, do tell!)

I tell people I am not competitive. This is because I don’t “do” auditions. But I am coming to the realization that I’m actually just lazy and fearful, yet I really am competitive. Because I compare myself to others. Far too often.

I frequently hear other oboists and English hornists. I hear them when I’m working. I hear them at concerts I attend. I hear them on recordings. I hear them and I usually compare myself to whomever I’m hearing at the moment. I’m frequently thinking I’m not as good (I do the insecure thing really well). But sometimes I think, “Well, I’m not as good as X, but I know I play better than Y.”

As if that matters!

So then I get down on myself. And the ego, it suffers. Who cares if I’m as better, as good, or worse than someone else? I suspect only I care. So I would love to dump the whole comparison thing. But so far that hasn’t happened. I’m not sure how to do it, to be honest.

And ego … well … that’s another thing too. In order to sit on stage or in the pit and play with musicality, strength, all that jazz, I guess I have to have an ego. And yet I fear my ego will get too large, so I tend to put myself down. Besides, better that I put myself down first, before someone else does, yes? So this lovely false humility or self deprecation thing … it is partly genuine and partly a game. And I usually can’t tell which is which. Silly me.

Now see, I told you this wasn’t going to be clear and easy to follow. Did you believe me? Hope so!

I think I’m very good. I think I’m rotten. I don’t care that someone is miles better than I. I am envious of said person. I am not competitive. I compare myself constantly to others.

I’m not a mess or anything … am I?

Ah well. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than to say, “Aren’t I silly?”

I guess I’ll leave it at that.

So both ACB (who, with her Birdname—which is much better than a Birdbrain—certainly should get this right!) and Scott took me up on the challenge.

(Have you two noticed the similarity in your sites, btw? Guess you’re birds of a feather. Sorry. Couldn’t. Resist. Now I’d better duck and cover, eh? Or take flight. Or … oh never mind!)

Bravi Tutti!

15. October 2007 · Comments Off on Classical Music Is For For Chickens · Categories: Links, Ramble

… at least some think so. For good egg production, that is.

I think someone should put together a playlist. Scott? ACB? You two are good at this. Just don’t wait until Friday! 🙂

15. October 2007 · Comments Off on Alex Ross Makes Oboe Reeds? · Categories: Links, Ramble

(Thanks, ACB, for the news!)

From the online version of the New Yorker:

Like many people, I started blogging out of an urgent need to procrastinate.

Okay, maybe he’s putting off doing something else. I see “procrastinate” and I automatically think OBOE REEDS! Ah yes, my brain is now chanting, “oboe reeds, oboe reeds, oboe reeds…”. Sigh. I have concerts coming up. I want to have a good supply of reeds. I need to work on them. Now.

But, of course, I blog. Therefore I am. So whatever. 😉

Back to the Alex Ross articleI’m included!

Oh … I guess that should have read “but back to me after talking about me.” Right? Sorry! Blogs are pretty self-centered I guess. Still, it is … well … it’s really a shock and an honor (ick “shock and honor” sounds a bit too close to something else, doesn’t it? I don’t mean to sound war-like.) to be included in his links in the article. He mentions oboists, and my website is the direct link. Wow. I think I’ll do an oboe dance or something.

(What does an oboe dance look like? It’s purely in the mind. Going counterclockwise, mind you. And wearing clothes. 😉

Other blogs he linked to:

… and of course more.

So, check out the article, and then check out The Rest is Noise, Alex Ross’s blog.

Oh. And buy his book. I haven’t ordered it yet (it comes out tomorrow), but I have this birthday coming up. (If I can wait that long. Probably not.) Hmm. I’m betting I hold out for … oh, I dunno … a few more hours? (He’ll be in the Bay Area on October 17 and 18, btw.)

I might get to blogging about ego and jealousy and competition today. It’s been running through my brain lately. Because I have an ego. And I get jealous. And I say I’m not competitive but I’m starting to doubt that.

Stay tuned.

Right now I’m going to go back and see if that dancer has changed directions!