The club is part of a thriving classical music community that has grown as Salt Lake City, known for its churches and Mormon population, has grown. But not everyone is happy that classical music has taken root here.

After a spate of shootings, and with a rising murder rate, the police here are saying classical music is contributing to the violence, luring preppy gang members and criminal activity to nightclubs. The police publicly condemned the music in a news release after a killing in July and are warning nightclub owners that their places might not be safe if they play classical music.

“We don’t want to paint all classical music with a broad-brush,” said Cpt. John Davis, a police spokesman, “but we’re looking at music that usually has no lyrics. Young people are free to imagine imagine any lyrics, including words that typically glorify anti-social and criminal behavior and demeans women.”

Um … is this a new “Onion”?

I read it here and I must conclude with the article’s penultimate paragraph (because I like it and because it allows me to use the word “penultimate”:

“When you have music that has no lyrics, there is no criticism of others who treat women poorly, steal things and even shoot police officers,” says Cpt. Davis, “you will certainly attract a small group of people who want to lead the thug life.”

Okay. I’m done now.